Donald Trump was elected president in part because he is a Washington outsider. That lets him soar above the political swamp of Washington like a luxuriously plumed bird.
Of course, there are drawbacks to being an outsider, such as not knowing some tiny technical details of how the more obscure parts of government work. Here are a few small surprises that the Trump team has run into over its first few weeks in power.
There Are Three Branches Of Government
We know, we know — three branches of government seems like an almost comical waste of resources, but an arcane publication called the Constitution (bookmark that, it may come up again later) says that’s how many we’re supposed to have. Believe us, we checked.
Trump was understandably shocked when his travel-ban-primarily-of-Muslims-that-is-not-a-Muslim-ban was halted by a “so-called judge,” who it turns out was “so-called” because he was in fact a judge. And as a judge, he was doing his job by limiting the executive branch when he thought it was overreaching its authority.
The Trump team might have avoided this if they’d done a more thorough check than a legalzoom.com questionnaire, but apparently the order was written basically without consulting other agencies or departments, possibly even without consulting their own Office of Legal Counsel. A helpful mnemonic we use for remembering the number of branches in our government is:
Branches of three, Democracies are we. Branches of one, Are typically fucking dictatorships.
The last part at the end is an “alternative rhyme.”
Sometimes Life Is Rough
As the commander in chief of the military, you’d think you’d be afforded some basic creature comforts. But no, sometimes the job requires mental and physical endurance, such as having to use the 40-grit sandpaper towels aboard Air Force One which The Donald reports are “not soft enough.”
Yes, the job is different than it seems in the movies. Next time you watch President James Marshall in Air Force One tell a terrorist to “Get off my plane,” also imagine that he has slightly chafed hands. Those are the kinds of sacrifices the public never even knows you make. Heroic!
People Will Criticize You
You can understand why Trump would be surprised that people are criticizing him. He just became president because a lot of people like him. Are we supposed to believe that after just three weeks of erratic and bungling governance, people suddenly somehow dislike him? It sure seems more reasonable to assume, as the president has, that “any negative polls are fake news.”
Well, according to the fake news dreck at Gallup, his approval ratings are going down. That might not come as such a blow if you take into account an old Washington insider’s trick called “looking up what has happened in the past,” because it’s rare for a president’s approval ratings to increase over the course of their term. If Trump wanted people to maximize domestic production of applause for himself — as he seems so concerned with from his tweets — he should resign his presidency as soon as possible before he loses anyone else.
At least he’s making SNL great again!
The White House Is Nice
Unlike the cat-tongue towels in the shitty private jumbo jet the president rides around in, his house is nicer than expected. Trump was originally reluctant to move there from his luxury penthouse building in Manhattan, but has found the White House to actually be fairly comfortable. Like, they have nice phones, as he marveled at in a New York Times interview. And it’s big, and also Lincoln lived there!
When it comes to the real important things the president has to deal with — the niceness of phones, the bigness of rooms, the softness of towels — it’s a real roller coaster ride. Would a staff of Washington insiders have helped prepare the president for these revelations? Maybe!
People Will Get Mad At You For Watching Too Much TV
It might seem like a cruel joke, but it’s true: You go through all the trouble of becoming the leader of the free world, and you aren’t even free to watch as much TV as you want. It’s a shock to all of us, but Trump is being forced reduce the number of hours he watches cable TV, bringing it down from all the hours.
Trump’s aides are trying to minimize his TV watching, so now he barely has the chance to watch Morning Joe and Fox And Friends for two to three hours in the morning, Spicer’s press briefings in the afternoons, and 60 Minutes, Access Hollywood, or Saturday Night Live in the evenings, plus whatever they are trying to keep him from watching “when he gets bored.”
What is the use of fighting for freedom abroad when our own president can’t even watch TV whenever he wants to? Sad!